Whether you discarded the Narcissist or they discarded you, one thing stands clear. They will no longer have you in their lives to control, so they resort to the one thing that they can control. The children. The Narcissists do not care about anyone at all, least of all their children, so they use the children to punish you.
Narcissists do not care
Narcissists see the children as extensions of themselves. They will do and say whatever they want in order to turn the children against us. It is payback in their eyes. But payback for what? What did we ever do? All we did was love them and do our best in hopes we’d have a successful relationship. But the Narcissists don’t see it that way. They feel we failed them by not staying in compliance with their demands, their orders, their abuse. They think we were supposed to just sit there and take it. Accept our fate, if you will. When we begin to see the truth about what they are, they cast us aside. That is, if we don’t cast them away first. Even if we do discard them first, they see that as a pure insult to their perfection. They do not care about anyone or anything, but themselves. So in order to punish us for finding out the truth, they will turn everyone against us. Ways they retaliate 1.They will tell outright lies about you One way for Narcissists to punish you is to get the children to turn against you. To hate you. In order for the Narcissists to achieve this, they must tell the children lies about you. My NX has said things to my children like, “Your mother doesn’t call you. So she doesn’t care about you” or “Mommy is sick in the head, so that’s why she went away. To get better” or even “She chose a new relationship over you, so she must not care about you.” 2.They play keep away In a normal separation or divorce situation, the ex-spouse would have the children call the other parent on a regular basis. It is quite true that children need both parents in their lives. But with Narcissists, they don’t see it that way. If they have custody of the children, they will not let the children contact the other parent. They expect that other parent to always be the one to initiate contact with the children. 3.They will smear your name Narcissists love to run a good smear campaign. (See my blog on The Smear Campaign and The Smear Campaign Revisited.) Their campaign will even extend to the children. They will tell the children things about you that are obvious lies. I remember when my children visited me one summer a few years ago. We were set to do something, but it turned out a different way than I thought it would. My then 7 year old daughter had called me a liar. She said, “Daddy’s right. You’re a liar.” I had told her, “No sweetheart, I am not a liar. What I said would happen, still happened. It just happened in a different way.” 4.They provide an overabundance of generosity Narcissists will go so far as to provide to the children what you cannot. If they know you do not have the financial means to do something for the children, they will find ways to give the children what you can’t. Then they can tell the children, “See? Mommy/Daddy can’t give you what you want. But I can.” In this way, the Narcissists will persuade the children to see the Narcissist in better light, and to see you as the proverbial “bad guy.” 5.They unjustly punish Narcissists don’t like being told no. They despise being refused. When they are, they take this as a huge insult. And because they cannot punish us since we are not in their presence, they will do so to the children. The Narcissist will make sure the children know who is to blame for the punishment – you. And the children will resent you more and more. When this happens, the Narcissist’s plan to drive a wedge between you and the children will have succeeded. Bottom line There are an infinite number of ways that Narcissists can retaliate. The above ways are only just a few. It’s a vicious game they play, and one they play well. Have any of you been on the receiving end of a Narcissist’s retaliation? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
6 Comments
rosemary williams
7/3/2017 04:34:42 am
narc ex 1 father of my 4 kids lied to all of them behind my back since they were born. apparently i am insane, and a cheat. he even claims he divorced me. none of it is true. when he claimed i cheated were the many times he was cheating. just a distraction so i was too busy defending myself to find out who i was this time.i am now no contact with two adult daughters because they still believe his lies, unwilling to ask me for the truth, as i am supposed to be the liar.
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Julianna
7/3/2017 10:19:33 pm
Rosemary..........Oh I am so sorry that you are going through this. All his accusations are what's called projection. He is accusing you of doing what he himself is doing. I'm sure the no contact with your 2 children must hurt you. I hope they will come around in time. In the meantime, just keep living your truth. Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you.
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7/16/2017 09:39:04 am
Hello rosemary I really feel for you. I'm being punished too but via my granddaughters who I haven't seen for nine years now. I get the silent treatment, threats, police called to me and accused of insanity. I'm grieving today and in shock from yet another vile email yesterday. I have to let them all go and have no further contact, hard as it is. Hugs to you.
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Julianna
7/30/2017 10:40:13 am
Susan..........I am sorry that you are enduring that. I know how hard it is to not speak to children/grandchildren. My children are 11 and 8, and I haven't spoken to them in 3 months. Can I call more? Yes, but with a time difference, it's hard to pinpoint when they're home. The NX keeps them "busy" most (if not all) of the time anyway. I didn't even get to speak to my daughter on her recent birthday. I write handwritten letters. I email them (which those emails get filtered through the NX's email, so it's likely my children don't even SEE the emails I write). We do the best we can with what we are given. I wish you well in your healing journey. Take care. I'll be thinking of you.
Jackie
8/23/2017 06:55:36 pm
Wow all those examples sound too familiar. My ex has been trashing my name for years. He has drawn a wedge between my daughter and me. He talked bad about me behind my back for years. Telling lies to get reactions. The games are so tiring.
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Lori
11/10/2017 09:38:47 pm
My sister in law is a bad narcassist. My hubby refuses to listen when i tell him something is wrong with her, she hates being told no, we r raising 2 grandkids, we arent legally married but have been together 22 years and had these boys since birth, she will not tell people who i am she tells them shes their grammy and her brother is raising them. Ive wanted to knock her block off but cant, if i ignore her phone calls to have the kids for playdate she stalks me will drive over on purpose, but when i go to get boys deliberately doesnt answer phone makes up lies. If i was to do that to her oh boy she would come unglued, she thinks when me and hubby have argument that it involves her i screamed at her told her non of your business she justified it somehow and said it is my business. I said like hell ur crazy. Ive even told him if we split i will bet u a 1000 shes to blame, shes getting worse. Im ready to walk but kids r my main concern i do not want them winding up in her care shes not ok with kids loves the control
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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