Narcissists view themselves as superior and all-knowing. It only stands to reason then that there are certain things that they just won’t do.
I drew from my own experiences with my NX. I look at this list and I realize that it was always a one-sided relationship. He never compromised. He never wanted to hold a conversation. He never showed me any compassion (even when I went through a few serious medical crises in a short time frame). Below is a list (in no particular order) of things that Narcissists don’t do.
Narcissists don’t: 1. Communicate Narcissists are never known to open up and talk about their feelings. That’s because they have none. I mean, they see themselves as superior to you, so why would they want to let you in to their emotional world? If they did that, they would be viewing you as their equal. And they can’t have that because they always need to maintain their power and control over you. 2. Take responsibility They feel they do not have to accept any responsibility. Narcissists will never own up to any wrongdoing because they think they can do no wrong. 3. Do favors for anyone Healthy people do things for others out of the kindness of their hearts, not expecting anything in return. That’s the good nature of some people. But not Narcissists. Narcissists do not do anything for others without having something in it for themselves. And always expect you to pay them back for their “kindness.” 4. Listen It’s like the saying goes….”People don’t listen with the intent to understand. They listen with the intent to reply.” With Narcissists, this is very much the truth. They don’t listen to the words we say. They don't hear us. They will talk over you just to say what they want to say. My NX used to do this all the time. I’d have to raise my voice just to be heard! And then he’d say, “Well, you don’t have to yell.” Other times, he’d speak louder and louder just to drown me out. 5. Commit Narcissists do not like commitment. Despite them perhaps marrying and staying in what appears to be a long term relationship, Narcissists do not know how to stick it out with someone long term. They get bored very easily. And when you don’t give them what they want, they will disappear. 6. Self-reflect Narcissists are not introspective. They do not look within and accept their flaws. Why would they? They think they are perfect. In their eyes, self-reflection requires the ability to admit that they have flaws. To admit that they have vulnerabilities. And to admit that, is to admit that they are not perfect. 7. Apologize You will never see Narcissists say they are sorry. And when they do, it’s a fake apology. I go into more depth in my blog post The Fake Apology, but basically, Narcissists feel they are never wrong. They will say things like, “I’m sorry but if you actually listened the first time, I wouldn’t have had to yell.” Their fake apologies are always “I’m sorry but.” It’s a way for them to redirect the blame elsewhere. They are blame shifters. 8. Show you who they really are Narcissists are good at hiding who and what they are until it’s too late. Their intentions are nothing short of malicious. They lure us into falling for them by being charming, funny, interesting, successful. They are really none of these things; they just appear to be. They put on a show for us. We don’t see their true nature until it’s too late. 9. Allow you to feel safe One of the basic human needs is the need to feel safe. Whether it’s with a significant other, with your family, in school or even at work. When the Narcissists threaten your safe and secure feeling, they are assuring they remain in control over you. 10. Like being proven wrong Narcissists think they are always right. They will argue with you until they are blue in the face. Even if you have irrefutable proof, they will still argue their point. They will do this until even you begin to believe them. They are master manipulators. Their argumentative nature will cause you to doubt yourself and your reality. Have you experienced these things? Can you add anything to this list? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
17 Comments
kate
6/14/2017 03:31:01 pm
17 years of never having a real emotional conversation - at least not on his part, being constantly talked over -even when I was speaking to someone else, never listening, and never ever taking responsibility for anything. The last was driven home to me in our last custody hearing where he told the judge that his felony drug conviction for sending 4 lbs of pot through the mail was all my fault - because somehow I benefited from the money he made???
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Jenn
6/14/2017 06:30:34 pm
Kate.......I'm so sorry that you endured that. Narcissists will never admit to any wrongdoing and will always blame others for what goes wrong. They will also never take responsibility. They will also use projection quite readily (accusing you of what they themselves are doing). They also run fierce smear campaigns.....using slander to ruin your reputation and character. Narcs do what they want, when they want, where they want. They don't care who they hurt along the way. It is no surprise then that your 17 year relationship was like that. It has all the hallmark signs of a Narcissistic relationship. I am truly sorry that you endured that. How are you doing now?
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wrong
8/3/2017 10:00:36 am
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LK Vance
10/26/2017 06:16:54 am
Good one. They are so quick to blame others.
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Gina
6/15/2017 12:01:02 am
I have been in a 8 yr relationship and this Narc has totally taken me through mental hell. I am totally done. We have lived together for 5 yrs and I was tricked into that as well. I pay tje majariry of rent, he never wants to pay the utilities on time. He makes 12,000.00 than me and is very selfish. Always says he doesn't do nothing for nothing. In the beginning in the beginning of our relationship it was fun I felt like I was 16 years old we were on the phone for hours But as time went on things changed. Very argumentative always think he's right we were engaged for one year I took I broke it off he says something to me very significant and that was the ring was to keep me to hold me in bondage so that was another flag. He twists conversations around having me think I'm crazy my mind sometimes be so discombobulated I be so upset I'm so drained and burned out mentally now mentally spiritually and physically and financially. And the way he treats his daughter when she comes over he rejects her he neglects her he doesn't have no love nor compassion at all he's just negative negative. I'm praying on a place I don't know where I'm going but all I know is that I had need to come out of this relationship and I'm coming out I can't do this anymore it's unhealthy for me and my daughter I can't do this anymore he doesn't compliment me I'll pictures may look nice but good pictures they they may say one thing but the reality is entirely different. He always preaches and speak about accountability and responsibility but my name is on all the bills and he doesn't have any type of responsibility so it's like he living in a glass house throwing stones and talking about people flaws but can't look at its own flaws. Thank you for taking the time to read my post there's so much more to say but I'm done I got to get through this thank you.
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Julianna
7/4/2017 03:36:30 pm
Gina.........I am sorry that you endured all that. Toxic people like Narcs want to tear us down and drain us of our energy. They cannot accept responsibility for anything. Anything nice they do always comes with a price tag. I wish the best on your healing journey. If you haven't already, come on over to the Facebook support community of this same name. Just click on the F icon. Take care.
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Lorraine Vance
10/26/2017 06:22:15 am
Ignore him as much as you can, speak only facts to him, cut out any emotional responses to him, has just trying to get an emotional response out of you so he can laugh at you and make fun of you, then maybe even call the cops on you. Good luck.
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Karen
6/18/2017 06:21:03 pm
They always have to be center of attention. No matter if you are in a meeting with your case worker. I was in one with mine at home to shower her what I was talking about. That I couldn't have one at home thays why I always went to the office to have my meeting schedule with her. Because he would always but in. It always bothered me. I never had any freedom, he made it to where I couldn't drive my truck.
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Julianna
7/4/2017 03:50:30 pm
Karen.........I know what you mean. It's called sabotage. They want to interrupt anything you do. The NX would always butt in on phone conversations I had with my mom. I'd laugh on the phone, he'd demand to know why. He'd demand I relay everything to him my mom said. It got to the point I had to call her when he wasn't home.
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Michelle pattee
6/29/2017 10:48:36 pm
I don't know if anybody is going to read this but I'm out of a seven almost eight year relationship I'm only 9 days out of it and he's a narcissist the worst kind he can manipulate a situation that's not even going to happen for a month from now I am so mentally and emotionally broken there was physical abuse I'm I would have much rather preferred him to beat me up then to do what he's done to my mind and I'm scared and nobody understands and I am so damaged and I need help can somebody please I'm in California please give me a number where I can call and get help. Please don't tell me to call the police because the police cannot help me but he's threatened my family he's threatened me this has been going on for so many years everything is my fault I mean I'm I need help because I'm weak and I don't want to go back please somebody email me a number or I'm I'm considering 5150ing myself because I cannot hold on I'm barely holding on with my fingertips. I'm in Southern California
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Julianna
7/4/2017 03:57:06 pm
Michelle......I am so sorry you are experiencing such turmoil. Unfortunately, I am not a therapist so I cannot give you any medical or legal advice. If you are on edge, please call a crisis hotline.....1-800-273-8255. There are also dozens of women's crisis centers you can contact.....here's a list...
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Janice
7/12/2017 12:20:08 pm
How do you get a narc to stop or how do you expose one? My son has been with a custody battle with a narc, plz any one can send me info?
Lorraine Vance
10/26/2017 06:30:05 am
You were treated worse than a dog. An abuser wants to have you consider WHAT THEY would do, and how THEY would react. Remember, you've been through SEVERE EMOTIONAL TRAUMA for a very long time.
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Deborah DeFelice
8/16/2017 08:21:13 am
I also am in the midst of writing a story about my 14 years with my ex Narc. Pretty dumb huh? Took me 14 years to realize he is nothing but a piece of garbage, an actor, and a complete waste of time effort heartache, not to mention money ! Although I already suspected there was something wrong in the beginning phase of the " detached, and emotional torture he would bestow on me, it is written hat the reason e stick around so long are because of the fantasy of the long ago fairytale we once thought we had. We focus on remembering 'the good times' when he was lovable, and a knight in shining armor. For some reason that image sticks in our head more than the reality of the beast he really is .One more thing a narcissus
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kim
9/19/2017 05:39:25 pm
Deborah, I know exactly what you mean. We think of the good times. When we were the one they were pursuing. That's why it's so hard to get over it. Its not a relationship where you grew apart or fell out of love. I fell in love with someone who never existed. I thought he was what he betrayed. A good man. A hard working man. A good single father. It was three years before I found out I was the other woman. I should have listened to my instincts. But I trusted. Once I found out, I still let him woo me. I went back to him. The other woman stalked me. He never had my back. Always said there was nothing he could say because he caused it. Not two months later I read texts he was sending to another woman. I was devastated again But I stayed. She was just a friend. That's how they joked. Then the dating sites. That was just curiosity. All 20 of them. The porn. The ogling and smiling at women when we were in stores. Leaving me in the car while he was in a convenience store chatting with clerks. The withholding of sex or just to wore out for me. Withholding affection. The summers eve wipes at his house he had no idea where they came from. The five or six phone calls a day from his baby mama. Me supporting him and his kids for two years while he job hopped. He was never wrong. I was always starting my crap. Couldn't him him on the phone. He was a truck driver. His music was to loud. He was in a store. Sometimes I just need to say these things to myself. To remind me of the hell he put me thru. Six weeks since I threw him out. It hasn't got better yet. But it will. I hope we all find happiness.
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Lorraine Vance
10/26/2017 06:36:12 am
I'm happy you got out. I'm sorry! What a player. Do not EVER speak to him again, he'll try and rehook up down the line. Stay away. Best wishes dear one, treat yourself kindly. Oh Dear God! I'm about to lose my family or make some terrible life altering decision because of dealing with a class a narcissist, who happens to be my mother-in-law! I happened to read an article recently about narcissistic behavior and was shocked by the resemblance or spot on description of what I've been dealing with for the last 18.5 years! Unfortunately my husband who has severe mental illness is very co-dependant due to his autism spectrum (asberger's syndrome), schizophrenia, mental breakdowns etc., which has also given her a deeper wedge into our lives, and which he does not have the natural inclination or ability to protect me or place healthy boundaries up. If it weren't for the fact that we are still raising a teenage daughter I'd cut my loses and run like hell, although I know that this too will project me into object proverty with no family and no means to support myself. I've been desperately trying to explain things to others but it seemed so convoluted and strange that it just made me feel like I looked as if I was either exaggerating things which I wasn't, that I was being hyper-sensitive which I wasn't, or that I was a loon bird... Which by now I feel like I could be! She has the 'who me' I'm just a caring old woman who's only concerned about her mentally ill son' thing down pat, while doing everything she can to control him from the sidelines and destroy our marriage! This is No exaggeration! She has our daughter convinced that she's absolutely wonderful, and any strife in the family is my doing because she gets backing regarding her bad behavior or justification of her actions (family members) from the rest of the wolf pack! There are times due to the low income we've had to survive on, and the struggles of having basically a fence post to live with that I've just wanted to be through with life in general. I keep feeling that if I was only a better wife, a better mother, a better cook, smarter, skinnier, prettier... As if it's basically my fault because I will never be enough to be accepted by this damn family... Maybe I should just run off, leave or die as they wish I would! But something won't let me. I finally had it when she crossed one too many lines a year ago last June... Again, no recognition she'd done anything wrong... with another fake apology several months later with alot of 'but's', 'however's', minimising, excuse making, and eventually basically absolving and putting the blame on to me again! Then when it came Christmas time and she found out that we would not be going over to her house with the rest of the clan, she started working on my husband and daughter, so that two days before Christmas my husband came to me asking for a 'seperation', and take our daughter too. When I asked where he'd live...well, you guessed it 'At Mother's!- she had told him he needed to make a decision (basically cut the cord with her, knowing that would mean emotional suicide to him) and had to do it soon or else she was going to rent out his old bedroom! It was basic blackmail! I feel that if I uproot my daughter who is a sophomore and force her to leave all her friends (and family) to move clear across the U.S. to be closer to my sister, I may cause a huge rupture that would bring on even bigger problems like teenage rebellion, or worse, she may refuse and decide to live with her Grandmother... Which is my mother-in-laws ultimate game plan. I just don't know what to do! And I honestly don't know how much more of it I can take!!!
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