When you have children with a Narc, it's never an easy time. The Narc will always play games, make themselves out to be the better parent, ensure that the children always see them as "Super Dad" or "Super Mom." One of the Narc's favorite games to play is The One-Up Game.
The Narcissist has an insatiable appetite to "one up" you all the time. They will go to whatever lengths necessary to appear to the perfect parent. They will take the song "Anything You Can Do" from the movie Annie Get Your Gun to new heights.
I remember when my daughter lost her first tooth. I had sent her $20 because that was the going rate for a first lost tooth, according to my friends. He "scolded" me that $20 was too much and I was just trying to buy my daughter's love. Next thing I know, he gets the kids a puppy. A puppy! I do something for the kids, he's got to do one better. But make no mistake. The Narc HATES to get bested. They hate to be "one upped" in any aspect of life, especially when it comes to the children. For example, in the summer of 2013 when I saw my children, my father surprised us with going to a really really special place. When my NX found out, to say he was pissed off was an understatement. He hated the fact that the kids did something for the first time with me. Ever since then, my NX has to come up with ways to "one up" me. Do things with the kids that I would never get to do with them. Take them over 5 hours away to a sporting event. Take them kayaking on a lake. Anything to appear like a caring and perfect parent. To the Narc, it's not just a competitive spirit. It's the overwhelming NEED to win at all costs. Not only does he need to win the war, but my NX needs to win each battle. He's determined not to be the "loser" parent. He must show the children that he's better than mommy, that he can afford things she can't.
Even when I was dating my NX, he'd play this game too. If I got sick, he had to get sicker. If I got a job somewhere, he got a job there too. If he couldn't be better at it, he'd mock it. He'd say, "Well, that wasn't worth doing anyway."
I do suggest, though, to not partake in the Narc's game. Though, I have learned a few new skills, that I know for sure he wouldn't have the patience to learn. I made my children some crafts that I gave them when I saw them a few weeks ago. I am positive my NX will scoff at these crafts, saying something like anyone could do that. If he internally knows he can't do something that creative or time consuming, he will mock me. It's kinda comical the more I think about it. My NX's incredible need to beat me at all costs makes me laugh. It's a competition for the Narc. One that they must win. A Narc's ego is so fragile that if they are bested or one-upped, you can bet they will retaliate any way that they can. To them, parenting is to get the children to love them more. All because the NX goes to great lengths to provide the children with things, trips, vacations, and gifts that he knows I cannot ever give them. Do you have any stories of a Narc one-upping you? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you sharing your stories with me.
3 Comments
Maralyn
8/15/2016 09:22:40 pm
I spent 17 years with a narcissist, all I read is so true.
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Jenn
8/15/2016 09:47:56 pm
Maralyn......I'm sorry to hear that he used your daughters like that. It must hurt excruciatingly. I hope that one day, the other daughter will see the truth. Hang in there.
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Jessica
7/4/2018 10:06:24 pm
Same here! One daughter lives with him and my youngest lives with me. He picks her up and takes her out. I can't do much of that now I have one income. My other daughter won't even speak to me and even yells at me saying I don't even care about her. I hate seeing my kids go though this.
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