Manipulation in all forms is used in every day life. From lawyers persuading a jury to see their point of view, to kids on a debate team trying to manipulate the audience into siding with them.
Manipulation becomes toxic and insidious when it is used as a malicious form of control. Narcissists will use manipulation to get what they want. They will stop at nothing. A Narcissist will use whatever manipulation tactics to gain the upper hand.
Signs of Being Manipulated So, how can you tell if a Narcissist is manipulating you? Just some of the things that I felt were: 1. A constant feeling of not being heard 2. Giving in when I didn't want to (especially if it's to "keep the peace") 3. A fear of being put down 4. Being told that I was responsible for the abuse 5. Having a constant feeling of shame and humiliation 6. Felt guilty every time the emotional heart strings were pulled. My NX felt he had the right to treat me this way. He belittled me, humiliated me, judged, criticized. He'd say things like "You're not going to wear THAT are you?" or other things to minimize my accomplishments, or make me feel unimportant.
One of his favorite intimidation tactics was threatening me with going to a judge to get my parental rights taken away if I didn't do what he wanted, when he wanted it. I never did give in to those demands because I knew no judge would do that!
Narcissists are also masters at using emotional manipulation. They will know exactly what emotional buttons to push to get you to do what they want. For example, when we were initially separated between 2007 and 2008 (after that one major incident), to get me back under his control, he KNEW he could say anything involving my daughter and it'd get me hooked. He hoovered me in 2007, claiming to want a reconciliation. He made sure to add in that my daughter "needs her mommy." Boom. And just like that, he had me reeled in. Narcs and Divorce Even when Narcissists are divorcing you, they will use whatever tactics they can to manipulate the court system. My NX manipulated the court into believing that HE was the victim and rewarded him full custody of the children. He got people to believe that I was the threat! In a divorce, Narcs will paint themselves as the calm, cool and collected one. They will manipulate others and say that the victim is the one falling apart, that the victim can't do anything right, that the victim is crazy and needs mental help. The Narc will go so far as to even manipulate the children! After I was discarded and moved away, my NX once told my then 3 year old daughter, "Mommy is sick in the head and that's why she went away. She needs to get better." (How do I know he said that? Because I was once on the phone with her and overheard him tell her that!) A Narc's Manipulation M.O. The main motivation behind a Narc 's manipulation is that they seek out vulnerabilities. They hone in on what makes the victim tick and they latch onto that and play it for all it's worth. The Narc also likes to have others pity them. Especially you. They think that if they can get you to feel sorry for them that you'll go from focusing on their behavior to any underlying reasons for that behavior (a poor childhood, stress at work, the evil ex, their "poor" health). There's nothing the Narcs won't say to divert the attention away from what you perceive to be their bad behavior. My NX loves to play the "woe is me" card to get sympathy. The Narc also loves to play the guilt card. Narcs will tell you that their actions are all your fault. If only you were home more, if you dressed differently, if you lost weight, if you didn't yell so much. My NX frequently played this card, too. He said things like, "Look at what you made me do" and "Well, if you didn't act that way, I wouldn't have had to get angry." Other tactics include diversion, seduction, lying, gaslighting, and projection. (See my posts on Gaslighting: What You Need To Know and Projection for more information.) Have you experienced being manipulated? Share below. And as always, I appreciate you sharing your stories with me.
13 Comments
I had just received a phone call that my grandpa had died and I told my husband what I just had found out and my husband started trying to have sex with me and I said I wasn't in the mood and I stopped and he blew up at me and started rant and raving about all the things he does for me and the kids and I shouldn't be denying him of anything. When I had my fourth miscarriage: two of them had been with my X when I was with my X for three years and than I got married to my husband and I had two more and after I had the fourth miscarriage he told me we were even and I said what do you mean he said me and you X with both got you pregnant twice and we both suffered two miscarriages with you so stop talking about the first two: also after my fourth miscarriage his dad told me right in front of my husband that I should let my husband go and cheat and bring back a baby since I couldn't have them. My husband never did protect me from this abuse.my husband the narc also picked his sister's birthday party over taking me to the hospital so I had to take myself why he was at his sister's eating steaks and getting drunk! It's always been one thing after another and I've been dealing with this behavior for over 22 years and it's an extremely lonely life because they don't even think it's okay for you to be well if their sick or if you smile if their having a bad day!! It's like you have to be in constant mourning for them and feeling sorry for them but they will never reciprocate any true empathy for you or love! For Mother's Day this year I did get to end up having two sons after my fourth miscarriage but this Mother's Day my husband wouldn't even tell me the words he told me it wasn't his job that it was are kids job. He has never made me feel anything like a wife more like his live in house maid and prostutite. It doesn't get better only worse and more lonely. I kept thinking he just needed to grow up, I truly didn't realize that someone's personality could be so cruel or inflicting these kinds of wounds on someone. His dad and grandpa are just like my husband so it's definitely a family tradition thinking women are nothing but doormats to be used of as they see fit.
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Jenn
7/19/2016 01:11:12 pm
Tammy.....I'm so sorry to hear about your grandpa. Losing anyone you love is tough. I am also sorry that you endured the reactions from your husband and his family. I realize that only people who have experienced similar things will truly understand. So please know that I do get it. A Narc will never treat others as equals, as they feel they are superior. That's why he doesn't treat you like a wife should be treated. Just know that you are an amazing person! I hope you continue to be strong through it all. I'll be thinking of you.
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sue
9/5/2016 09:18:21 am
I was separated with husband. Narc came to my rescue. Talking bout reasons of separation. It was lack of attention. So narc wine and dine me. Fell right into his trip. He would not let me see kids or let me talk to kids father. Narc and I split. Went back to husband with reconsolidated plans. Narc pulled me back into his plot. In end loss everything. Ex husband married best friend! Thank God got out of nars grib . but loss my husband in the mean time..we could never try to get back together, because NARC would not leave me alone. Threaten me with hurting children and separated husband. He " knew people who could fix his problem" (Mafia) was scared for children and separated husband.
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Jenn
9/5/2016 10:30:02 am
Sue......I'm so sorry that you endured all that. It must have been difficult. Narcissists love to make threats like what your Narc Ex threatened you with. It's all idle talk. At least in my experience, it was. They say all that to manipulate you into doing what they want. How are you doing now? Take care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you.
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Megan
9/14/2016 05:16:27 pm
This NC in my lige was so devious, he's made me out to be the Narc and I'm left with only a handful of friends, thankfuly two are trained in the mental health profession and warned me everytime I went back. Now I have to deal with that indignation and watch as friends make fun along with him. I'm left to feel that I did this to myself. He stated from the start, my darling I will never leave you, I'm loyal and I don't lie or leave, he was right about the leaving and when I did he would never email me, it was always me. I left this man three time and each time I tried to just get apologies he would insinuate if we were to get back together things would be different but he would never apologize. In the end when I found out all his lies to isolate me and make me afraid to speak out, I started telling everyone. He's gone into devious mode like you can't believe. I had to sever all contact with my previous life and leave it behind. I'm rebuilding from bottom up. I want to know, have you known of Ncs that are that controled, to not contact you but behind the scenes their pushing buttons left and right? They don't leave, they don't contact you but watch everything you do it try to cut off your social circle? I am feeling free of all the games but he's won by taking my life and making it his. He won the game I didn't know I was playing. I'm OK today. I know what he is now but I sometimes feel I was one too because I only have a handful of friends left. He's so incredibly charismatic.
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Jenn
9/14/2016 05:44:27 pm
Megan......One important thing I've learned is that if you have to ask yourself if you're the Narc, you truly are not the Narc. You have looked within, and Narcs don't do that because that would show vulnerability. Narcs can't have that. They think they are superior, so why improve on that. I'm so sorry for what you went through. I tried "leaving" my ex several times.....once while I was very pregnant with my daughter in 2006. It takes several times of leaving to truly have that final departure. Narcissists love to isolate their victims, make them feel alone and worthless. My ex doesn't contact me a whole lot anymore (except when it's about the kids), but still uses triangulation tactics on Facebook and tells lies to his legion of "fans" (aka friends). They believe him. It's sickening. Narcs only give their side of the story. I'm happy for you that you got out. Starting over is going to be rough, but it'll be worth it. Take care. I'll be thinking of you.
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Megan
9/14/2016 07:11:09 pm
Thank you Jenn for keeping in your thoughts. I am in the midst of a soul repair therapy so that helps me from thinking how bare bones my life is presently but at least the ones I have in my life are fire tested. Now I know who to let in and who to keep out. Thank you for this blog.
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Jenn
9/15/2016 04:22:35 pm
Megan.......You are very welcome. Therapy will help. Healing though will take a while, so hang in there.
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Mia
7/5/2017 02:27:45 pm
I work for a N & I fell into his tangled web. 7yrs of broken promises, gaslighting (which I recently discovered what that is) & asking me to leave my solid marriage for him. I know he's a liar & a cheat.I built his business from the ground up & under his mask he KNOWS this. I trudge on, because of what I earn. However, this gets harder to do.
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Julianna
7/9/2017 12:39:49 pm
Mia......I am sorry you endured that. Narcissists are quite clever in getting us to do what they want. Going by your post, it seems like you are in the line of work that helps others with marketing their business? Like web design or something? I can see how it would make it difficult when you helped the Narc build his business from the ground up. My first thought is he is jealous of your success and your intelligence. Now that you've helped with building up his business, is there a way to go no contact, or is it the type of client where you have to have contact? I wish you well in your business dealings. If you must have contact with him, implement the Grey Rock Method....that is using the least amount of emotion in your responses to him. If you haven't already, hop on over to my Facebook page of this same name.....just click the F icon at the top of the page. Lots of things are posted and discussed. Take care.
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Tio Huisman
8/29/2017 01:21:11 pm
Narcissists are not grounded in reality and are delusional, and are wild and erratic and troublemaking and cause frictions.They never listened to me and they said that I must listen to what the narc says and saying often that I must go to the mental help and I"ve been falsely accused of being a borderliner. My reputaion is gone cause everybody believes the mental help. Flying monkeys are uncritical in thinking and don"t see it from both sides but only from one side. Flying monkeys are spineless and believe everything without evidence. They are not your real friends.
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Philip
4/17/2018 04:16:56 pm
Mine claimed right after our split that she had cancer. When I asked what type and what stage, I got silence. Some months later she honestly told me that "it was only the 24 hour kind" (of cancer)
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Robert Austin
10/9/2020 06:01:28 am
I hate their blameshifting ,their lying of omission, and revile abuse.
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