I have always believed that children are astute observers. They take in much more than we adults give them credit for. And from all their observations, they are more susceptible to feeling the effects of emotional abuse.
I am coming from a place of experience on this subject. I have 2 children with my NX, and I have seen just what being exposed to emotional abuse can do to them. Any child who is exposed to emotional abuse is that much more vulnerable to being saturated by the effects.
“Children learn to recognize ominous tones of voice and intimidating body language. They feel sharp pains when they see their mother humiliated or degraded. They are filled with an urgent desire to rescue her, but at the same time can feel paralyzed by fear, so they are left feeling guilty standing by and not intervening. Their innocence can slip away in the process. If their mother’s partner is physically violent, they may shrink into corners to make themselves invisible.”
The last sentence of the above quote digs deep for me. It’s the one incident that I will never forget. The one incident that led me to seek out EMDR therapy. (See my post EMDR: How It Helped Me for more.)
My NX was military so we moved often. Or, as I like to say, HE liked to move often. At any rate, this move came in May 2008. We were moving from one state to another. On one particular night when we had stopped driving for the night, we had unloaded some things at a motel we found. I was getting ready for bed and placed my eyeglasses on the nightstand. The dog (who was never properly trained) started chewing on my glasses. I yelled at the dog to stop, in hopes it would startle her to drop the glasses. Well, my NX didn’t like that one bit. He stormed over to where I was sitting on the bed. He towered over me. He punched me two times on the left shoulder, while screaming at me to stop yelling at the dog. (Hit me and yelled at me to stop yelling at the dog. Makes total sense, right?) What was the point of telling that story, you ask? Well, my then 2 year old daughter witnessed that entire exchange! I had caught a glimpse of her cowering behind the chair in the room. She saw her dad hit her mom! To make this incident all the more traumatic, I was also 3 months pregnant with my son at the time. Effects on children Witnessing emotional abuse or being the target of abuse can have a number of effects on children. These effects can manifest in the following ways: 1. Aggression Children can become more aggressive towards you, any siblings, friends, teachers or other family members. This can come in the form of snapping back at someone, outright yelling, pushing, using sarcasm, calling someone names, or bossing around a sibling. Generally, children (especially younger ones) are only just beginning to learn how to deal with their own emotions. When you couple that with the effects of emotional abuse, they have a severe problem with expressing their emotions properly. 2. Live in fear When children either witness abuse or are the target of abuse, they will consistently live in fear. This can be seen in the way they pull away if you want to hug them. Or go periods of time without speaking, because they fear that if they speak to you (or the abusive person) that they will be on the receiving end of more abuse. 3. Difficulty in maintaining or keeping relationships I have noticed a number of changes within my daughter in this particular area. In normal familial situations, children can thrive when they make alliances in school. Not so much with regards to my daughter. I feel it’s a combination of more subtle emotional abuse tactics used on her (like diversion, blame shifting, and intimidation) with the high frequency with which he moves to different geographical areas. Last month, my daughter finished her SEVENTH school in six years. That is how often they have moved around. (He is no longer military to boot. He was discharged in December 2010. Yet he still finds excuses to move around.) A few years back, my daughter once told me, “Mommy, it’s hard to make friends.” The answer to that? It’s because they move around so often. My daughter fears making friends because the rug can get pulled from beneath her at any given time, and they’d move again. Yet, she somehow still forges bonds with her classmates. And for that, I am grateful. 4. Suffering academically Many children who witness or are subjected to the abuse suffer tremendously when it comes to their academics. Their grades begin to fall and they could be on the verge of getting left behind a grade or failing out of school. I feel lucky in the respect that neither of my children are experiencing this. I once learned that when children experience abuse in the home, that they pour themselves into other areas of their lives to escape the hell they live in. I think this is exactly why my children are excelling in the schoolwork. They are smart children, that is true. But I think it’s more than that. I think that my children pour themselves into their schoolwork and succeed in school because they see it as an escape from living with the NX. 5. Soft spoken This is one effect that I thought of because of something that my daughter’s teacher told me a few months ago. My daughter had a project that she had to verbally present to the class. While she did good research on the project, what my daughter lacked in was projecting her voice out. It could be that she just has an immense dislike for public speaking like I do. But I think it could be more than that. Many times, when we are on the receiving end of emotional abuse, we become socially withdrawn. We don’t want to speak up to anyone out of fear that our ideas or feelings will get shot down. Children are so vulnerable in this respect. I have noticed that my children have amazing ideas and are so creative. But when they express these ideas to him, they get told it’s silly or not to bother him or any number of other things. This in turn makes them not want to present their ideas next time. When I talk to them on the phone and they ask me if they can tell me something, I say, “Of course you can tell me something. I’ll listen to you. I’ll always listen to what you have to say.” I think telling children that their ideas, feelings and thoughts matter will in effect tell them that THEY matter. Children need to be valued and cherished, not pushed aside like the bargain rack at the local discount store. 6. Eating disorders Luckily, I haven’t been faced with either of my children having this difficulty. Yet. But many children do suffer from eating disorders because of witnessing abuse, or being the target themselves. Young children are particularly susceptible because they are just beginning to form cognitive understandings about themselves. If they are told they are fat or ugly, or even stupid, it can spiral them into developing an eating disorder. It is for this reason that I tell both of my children that they are smart, beautiful (for my daughter), handsome (for my son), capable, kind, valued, creative, and a host of other things. Children NEED to hear these things from you. They need to know they are valued. 7. Low self-esteem Children who are exposed to emotional abuse can develop low self-esteem. They won’t think very much of themselves. That they aren’t worthy. They may be directly told that they are worthless or that they don’t matter. This can lead to the child developing severe low self-esteem. Maybe to the point of even being suicidal. It’s been in the news lately that children as young as 8 years old are being bullied, driving them to the point of suicide. And that was just the child’s classmates! What happens when the bully is your own parent? Who do you turn to? I would hope and pray that my children could come to me with these feelings, so that I could guide them to peace and a more secure feeling about themselves. I do tell them often that they can always talk to me, that they are valued and that they matter. I love listening to them talk to me about whatever is that they want to talk about. The topic of discussion doesn’t even matter to me. They need to know that one parent will listen to them! Bottom line Children are natural empaths. They can feel their surroundings and they observe quite well. They have a powerful intuition when you are feeling down and something in the household isn’t right. They pick up on other people’s energy better than we think they do. Even if they don’t see or hear the abuse, they can observe the aftermath – see the broken glass on the floor, see the hole in the wall, etc. The wounds created by the emotional abuse don’t necessarily have to last a lifetime. I have seen just how resilient children can be. Despite being put through so much, it amazes me that children can still have such open hearts, willing to trust people again. Their innocence can propel them forward into a future bright with love, laughter, and happiness. What other effects have you seen in children? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
2 Comments
My son was only five when the NX entered our lives. I didn't really want a relationship as we were doing well and happy, but he impressed me by always including Luke etc., so I gave him a chance..because I'm nice.omg what an idiot I was. I was pregnant within three months of meeting him and that's when the real him came out. By the time my daughter was born, I was buried deep underground with a straw to breathe through, I felt so weak emotionally, and helpless.
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Julianna
7/30/2017 10:35:59 am
Sally.........I am truly sorry for what you have endured. And for the fact that your children are subjected to the NX's behaviors and tactics. I am a firm believer that one day, children will see the truth. Until then, all we can do is tell our children that we love them and be there for them in whatever ways we can. Sometimes, that even means going low contact or even no contact with them. I am glad that you have found the strength to move forward in your healing journey. If you ever have thoughts of suicide again though, please please reach out to the crisis hotline or go to a local hospital. I am glad you found this blog, and others like it. I also have a Facebook page of this same name.....come on over and check it out....just click the F icon and click "like." I run the page with the help of 3 other admins, and it's a large community of survivors helping survivors. Take care. I'll be thinking of you.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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