We've all experienced shame in our lives. But toxic shame is overwhelmingly detrimental to our psyches and well-being. In general, shame triggers internal responses within each of us depending on our own experiences. Shame becomes toxic when it's internalized due to our past traumas and distorts our self-image.
Narcissists are masters at shaming. Experts, if you will. They exploit our tender experiences because they know what buttons to push. I was naive and confided in him that my parents divorced when I was 4 years old. He incorrectly assumed that meant my dad was never around. My NX would use this info to shame me that I never had a father figure growing up, thereby creating an irrational fear of abandonment in me.
In the beginning with my NX, he portrayed himself as the perfect mate. (See my post on Mirroring.) I confided that I had always had body image issues. Guess what? So did he! But he claims to have once been 300 pounds, yet I never saw photos of him as a child that way. Oh, they were conveniently thrown out when he miraculously lost that weight as a teen and became the svelte 200 pound, 6 foot 5 inch terror that I had begun to know. So any time that my NX wanted to unleash his wrath, he'd use his "ace in the hole" about my body image issues and call me a barrage of names, like fat, ugly, fat b*tch, fat cow, lazy, etc. He used my easily triggered vulnerability and played it to the nines.
He would also take my actions towards him as a way to shame me. For example, in the summer of 2007, a major incident occurred that caused him to begin claiming that I was the threat to both him and my young child. (This is the incident that I spoke of in my post, The Smear Campaign.) I was trying to get ahead in my work for the job I had at the time. It was 9:30pm when he got off the phone, and proceeded to pick a fight with me about "always being on the computer." Screaming, throwing pillows, and more screaming. Somehow, he goaded me, teased me, and slung nasty words my way. This major incident is what landed me in the mental health ward for those 6 days.
Why did I mention that incident? Because every now and then, he likes to remind me of it. He gets some sick thrill out of shaming me that I reacted that way. He keeps records of all my "wrongdoings" and tries to bring me down by shaming me. No matter what mistake or perceived slight that occurred, he makes a point to bring it up in hopes he'll succeed in shaming me to bring down my spirits. I also felt shame after every incident where I gave him what he wanted - a reaction, attention (whether it was positive or negative), or any time I submitted to the abuse. Afterwards, I felt such shame that I continued to allow it to happen. But it's like that line from the movie Perks of a Wallflower that states "We accept the love we think we deserve." So often, I thought I deserved what I got! How sad is that?? And for several years after my NX discarded me, I continued to feel shame. It took a lot of therapy, support from my parents, and support from several close friends to help dig me out of that shame hole. I no longer feel shame or guilt for what occurred. I have been quite vocal about the narcissistic and emotional abuse (and two occasions of physical abuse) that I endured. Have you felt shame in your relationship with your Narc? What steps have you taken or will you take to begin the healing process? And as always, I appreciate you sharing your stories with me.
4 Comments
Sally
6/17/2016 07:00:12 pm
I love reading your posts. I feel shame and guilt that my nine year old and four year old daughters saw me allowing myself to be treated and spoken to horrendously. At the same time I feel proud I am now teaching them how to hold your head high and survive and move on and hope they will be able to see that valuing self (even when they still need to deal with the narcissist) is something that can be accomplished.
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Jenn
6/18/2016 11:19:23 am
Sally....Thank you for your kind words. I am still finding my way down the path of healing. This blog has helped immensely. I have felt as you do. The fact that you are bettering yourself and showing your children to hold their heads high is a sign of great strength. I believe in you. Good luck to you and your children.
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Zee
2/27/2017 01:37:29 pm
I stupidly confided him that i was rapedby two men at a work event. My most horrendous trauma that i never told anyone. This very sensitive an hurtful thing was welcomed with incredible amount of abused. Least was that i deserved it, or that i asked for it. Worst was that he called me a worthless whore who wasn't raped but willingly entertained two men at once. He used this to force me to have sex with him when i did not feel like it, or put down my sexual perfirmance yelling that he's only man, i should satisfy him when i could do it with two before. Worst misjudgement of my life. I paid for it dearly. The abuse and retraumatising me on a weekly basis was actually worse than the rape itself :(
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Jenn
2/27/2017 09:07:53 pm
Zee......I am so sorry for what you endured, both the original rape and the abuse your ex put you through. I cannot begin to imagine the anguish you have gone through. I do hope you are on a healing path now. Though, I must say, that healing will take time and that it does have its ups and downs. You will have good days, and you will have bad days. I'm nearly 7 years post-Narc, and I still have bad days. It's okay. Let yourself go through the pain, because that's the only way we will ever truly heal. If you haven't already, come on over to my Facebook page of this same name.....just click the "F" icon at the top of this page. I post lots of informative things there too. Take care.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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