Mirroring was briefly mentioned in my previous post, Knowledge is Power. I mentioned how Narcissists will pass themselves off as the perfect mate. How does the Narc achieve this? Read on!
Narcissists will seek out your goals, your insecurities, your dreams, your values. They will say things akin to "Oh wow, me too!" or "I feel exactly the same way." And based on their reconnaissance, they will morph into your perfect mate. They will even go so far as to say, "I've never felt this way about anyone before" and call you their soulmate. They will even suggest that you move in together as quickly as possible because they just can't be without you!
Mirroring is actually a widely used sales technique. The salesperson will reflect back what the customer says or the body language that is used. I used to work in retail for many years and have seen this technique used before. If the customer is inquisitive and the body language suggests friendliness, then the salesperson would act in the same manner. This same technique is also used in drama and acting classes. But with the Narc, it's different. Narcissists use you as a means to an end. They will reflect back to you all the behaviors that you are exhibiting, not to know more about you and have a genuine relationship with you, but to learn all they can about you so that they can pretend to be someone they are not. You will be amazed that you both have the same taste in music, movies, and food. They will say, "Oh you like chocolate covered strawberries? Oh my gosh, so do I!" In fact, my ex-Narc said that very thing to me. He drew information from me in the beginning and discovered that my all-time favorite dessert treat is chocolate covered strawberries. And guess what he did? He made them for me for our first Valentine's Day together. The Narc will go all out in mirroring your persona. They will mimic your style of dress (dressy to casual). They will copy your language usage (casual talk like with friends, or cursing). They will tell you that he also has the same favorite pastimes, like reading or listening to music. If you say you dislike a particular musical artist or a type of food, well....guess what? So do they! They will become whatever you are. Their end game is to get you hooked. You will be so swept up in the emotions of finding your "soulmate" that you won't even notice the small beginnings of the abuse. That's exactly why it's called mirroring. They reflect back to you what they observe. You are essentially falling for yourself! (That's in the case of romantic relationships. Narcs can also be parents, teachers, coworkers, friends, siblings, etc.) Have you experienced mirroring in your relationship? Share below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
9 Comments
Susana
5/9/2016 05:32:48 pm
Great little article on mirroring, have to share this.
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Jenn
5/9/2016 06:40:04 pm
Thanks, Susana! I've got so many ideas for future posts, so stay tuned. Have a great night.
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TSA
8/19/2016 07:09:50 am
wow how close to home...mine moved in right away..."installed a bathroom" for me ..that none had touched in years...liked all concerts I did...just amazing...I really thought I HAD met my soulmate...HE even now shares your stuff...again...like HE's the victim....posted the flying monkey story...half of it of course...he tries to gather the monkey's...but can't find any...burnt bridges everywhere...I don't go around recruiting ppl...in his delusional mind I do...but I don't....Mine is a TRUE psychopath...we're older...so the children thing never came into play..until he was so mad at me..he started doing hurtful harmful things to them! and YES I was "the best Christmas ever!!!!We are in our fifties....I was dumb enough to believe that...he told me he could cook..then made a box cake for my birthday...and you would have thought he walked on water...going on and on how he had never made a cake before(you can cook??)even took pics of it...he was so proud....he comes to this page I see...but am noticing he doesn't post the whole comments you have....wonder why?? BECAUSE HE IS THE ONE THAT DOES EVERYTHING YOU TALK ABOUT.....had an attorney tell me he was a "gaslighter"...I didn't even know what was until she had to explain it to me...woww
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Jenn
8/19/2016 07:59:21 am
TSA......I am sorry that you have experienced all that you have. Our experiences sound similar. My ex claims I am the crazy one, accuses me of things.....it's called projection. Stay well. I'll be thinking of you.
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dog friendly
8/29/2016 10:14:37 am
Mirroring!! I am an extreme meat lover ... and guess what?? He was also an extreme meat lover and swore that he would never ever imagine himself with a vegan ... In one of his silent treatments he went out with a vegan and guess what?? He became a vegan within 2 days!! Obviously when we got back together after the vegan lady, he is back to an extreme meat lover!!!! Is that even possible?? From one end to another extreme? Soooo Pathetic!
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Jenn
8/29/2016 02:59:17 pm
Dog friendly........Yup, that is very possible. Mirroring at its finest.
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My ex best friend (xnarc) found a new supply before discarding me. I saw them both together and could not believe my eyes! I could barely recognize my friend. Not only did she change her hair style and color, she lost weight (new supply was thinner), dressed like her and even started walking like her! I could not believe my eyes! I thought I was seeing things. Based on my research I had her pegged as having NPD but this scene was eerily validating. Definitely started the grieving process over the person I knew, traveled, and celebrated birthdays and holidays with, no longer existed.
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Jenn
3/29/2017 06:18:53 pm
Noah.....Unfortunately, Narcs will discard us without a moment's notice. They are on constant lookout for supply. More often than not, they will have several sources at once. it's that incessant need for continual supply.
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Ari
12/5/2021 10:46:23 am
I got him to leave finally after a lot of tries. One thing he does now. He is always saying the same things I tell him. Example I told him. I got better fixing myself for my daughter. He keeps saying the same but he is not better. He is the same asshole as before. He says I didn’t wait for him to get off the drugs. I gave him 2 years to get better. I told him I was always high that is why I did some things I did. He keeps saying the same. That he got better for his family but I didn’t wait for him. No he didn’t he keeps saying the same thing as me but is not true. I didn’t know why he was doing this. Now I know. Lost every friend lost a lot of opportunity because of him. Sad
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