Whether the Narcissist in your life is an ex or a current partner, one truth will stand clear. Your anger. Why is that a truth? Because it's okay to be angry at the Narcissist.
It is perfectly normal to struggle with anger in our lives. We all do it. It's also normal to struggle with how to deal with and handle that anger. There is no magical cure for how to handle anger or how to fix it. Anger is pain that takes time to resolve.
Occasional anger, I believe, is a gift from God. Anger is not a primary emotion but a secondary emotion. The primary emotion may be offense or fear, or shame, but it manifests itself in anger.
The above quote is very true. Typically, there is something behind the anger. Once we get at the root cause, we can do something about it.
What happened to you with the Narcissist is not ordinary. In fact, it's downright stressful. It will cause you worry or panic. Or it could create feelings of intense hatred. And ALL these feelings are okay. It's normal. It's a healthy response to being abused, manipulated, and profoundly violated. The anger that comes out of these primary feelings should spark us to make a positive change in our lives. Perhaps your anger leads you to join a support group or women's shelter. Maybe you decided to get healthy and consult a nutritionist. Maybe the anger you feel helps you start a support group in your area. Whatever you decide to do, be sure it's a positive step. Why? Because if you turn your anger towards negativity, it becomes sinful. I feel like that would be like creating a black hole that you would be spiraling down into and you wouldn't be able to climb out of. This kind of anger is what the Narcissist elects to display. In my experience, a Narcissist's anger leads to violence and abuse. It is a destructive path they go down. Do not follow them down that path. You are better than that!
Do you want to know something, though?
I struggle with anger. I struggle with wanting to create positive change versus wanting revenge. The hard truth of the matter is that it's not my place in life to punish anyone. So how do you approach someone about an offense without crossing the line and telling them off? Approach is key to how the situation will resolve itself. Bringing our grievances to the other person is supposed to resolve our anger and the situation at hand. (Though, approaching the Narcissist isn't advised, since they'd deny the abuse, or say you were the cause of it anyway.) On the opposite side of the coin, telling someone off only exacerbates the problem and perpetuates the cycle of violence. The issue doesn't get resolved and the anger is left there to fester. Have you ever heard the term "Don't go to bed angry"? Make a sincere effort to put the fire of anger out as soon as you can. Find ways to approach and handle the anger. It is okay to be angry at the Narcissist. The Narc caused so much turmoil in your life. Of course you'd be angry! I am too. So, it naturally begs the question......How do you work through the anger? Here's a few things that worked for me:
I've come to terms with what happened. That doesn't mean that I don't still feel angry at times. I just implement the avenues that worked for me before and the anger subsides. I am positive you will find your own way through your anger. But for now, just know that it is okay to be angry at the Narc. Have you struggled with anger towards the Narcissist? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
26 Comments
I am now getting PAST the anger and resentment notice I said past, why you may ask is,I DO NOT LIVE THERE ANYMORE if I stay in the PAST I cannot move forward it is what it is you can not change what happened yesterday or years before but you have a choice, let the narc hold you back or let him in the Past and look to a positive future and dreams, I lived it for 32 years now I am divorced alone had nothing did not know where I would sleep or how I would make it but I have, and it is far from easy but freedom and having my life back is awesome and if anything I will thank my ex for giving me my life back .
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Jenn
8/24/2016 06:51:06 pm
Mary.....You are absolutely right about getting past the anger and not living there anymore. That is an awesome way to look at it. Moving forward is a good thing. Seeing how far you've come is another. That is wonderful that you have your freedom now. Live your life well, Mary. Take care! I'll be thinking of you.
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cheryl shollack
8/25/2016 12:03:19 am
I have been in abusive, controlling relationships for 49 years. My parents and then 2 abusive husbands with an
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Jenn
8/25/2016 06:01:37 am
Cheryl......Of course you are capable of achieving your degree and getting a job. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I think you are an amazing person for furthering your education. Yes, it sounds like learned helplessness. But hope is not lost. Are you in therapy? Perhaps doing that, combined with having a job (when you get one), will help ease some of the difficulties you are experiencing. Is there a friend you can share an apartment with? Maybe you can write in a journal too, listen to music......do other things to help reduce the stress you are under. Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you.
colleen mahon
8/25/2016 12:59:06 am
You cannot have a reasonable conversation with a narcissist they are irrational they care only about there needs and will try and destroy you if you threaten them in any way - like wanting to leave them. They isolate you from your family they stop you from having friends from having a social life. they have a destructive way of talking to you that you doubt yourself and start believing that everything is your fault. To say anything to them is a waste of time as you become weak emotionally and sticking up for yourself puts you up for further abuse.
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Jenn
8/25/2016 06:06:00 am
Colleen......Oh I agree about not having a reasonable conversation with a Narc. They will run you in circles. I learned to stop trying to talk to my NX in any kind of way because I knew it was futile. I'd get nowhere. What I mentioned above normally works for healthy relationships. A relationship with a Narc is anything but normal! But there are things that you can do to help diminish your own anger. Even if you're with a Narc, while you can't approach them of course, there are things you can do to help yourself, as I mentioned above. At least those things worked for me. I hope they can work for someone else.
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Yvne
8/28/2016 09:37:45 pm
Wonderful words....I agree completely!
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Jenn
8/29/2016 06:13:51 am
Yvne......Thank you. Take care.
Crystal
8/25/2016 05:30:49 am
I do well working through anger, but I can't escape my abuser because we coparent. It's like repeatedly picking a scab. After almost two years, I'm doing much better, but if seems like he'll never let me heal completely. There was domestic violence involved. I have to meet with him to exchange the kids and especially while there is conflict in coparenting (and there is often conflict), face to face contact sends my anxiety through the roof. Any suggestions are appreciated.
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Jenn
8/25/2016 06:12:30 am
Crystal......I know what you mean. I "coparent" with my ex too. I put it in quotes because there really is no such thing as actual coparenting with a Narc. (Did you read my coparenting post?) What I do instead is parent in spite of the Narc. I do what's best for the children while they are in my care. There was DV in my situation as well. He has custody, so I have to go to him to exchange the kids, for both pick up and drop off. He made sure of that. What works for me in dealing with my NX during these exchanges (or really any time I deal with him), is to not make eye contact, perhaps just fix on a point near him. I also give him short, to the point answers if he asks questions (like "okay" "sure" or "yup"). Before I pick up the kids (or any time I have to deal with him like if it's on the phone), I do some deep breathing and meditation. I write in a journal to get out my frustrations and/or anxieties. I also talk with my mom on the phone a lot, so hearing her voice is always reassuring to me. On the drive over to pick up the kids, I listen to the radio and usually find a song that I know.....listening to music always helps me too. These things help me.....I hope they can help you too. Take care. I'll be thinking of you.
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Crystal
8/28/2016 11:28:58 pm
Thanks for your words, Jenn! We communicate only by email, and while he sends multi-paragraph rants, I respond with only what is necessary and use a business tone, usually just a sentence or two. (I toy with the idea of answering in haiku but haven't done it yet. Lol.) Luckily we meet at our public library for exchanges and he's less apt to be hostile, but even his dirty looks make me anxious and his communications focus on what's worst for me and ignores what is best for the kids. I'm constantly having to defend and correct what information about me he's reordered and twisted to have a completely different meaning. I am far away from my family and his family is close and enables his behavior, sometimes joining in against me. By steering clear of toxic family, I'm accused of not facilitating a relationship with my kids' family. Blah blah blah. My oldest knows exactly how they treated me in the past and how they talk about me (to my kids) and I feel they understand why I keep my distance.
Jenn
8/29/2016 06:20:48 am
Crystal......Way to go for using grey rock in him. I try to do the same. I give short, to the point answers. I'm glad your oldest can see the games that are played. That's an interesting idea about the sunglasses.....I'll have to keep that in mind. Lol.
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Sally
8/30/2016 06:01:41 pm
I've been through many years of abuse from my narc, who happens to be my only child! I haven't seen her in almost 14 years. Many years of crying & doing anything I can do to see her or even talk to her, now all I have is anger. I don't dwell in it but it really makes me angry as I really don't know why she hates me so much & wants nothing to do with me! She's verbally abusive & always flips it on me as narcs do. I'm always looking for insight from others now. I haven't reached out to her after she got married & I was not invited. I'm broken yet I'm a survivor. Please if there's any advice for me on how to move forward & let the anger go would be so aprreciated. I know there's nothing o can do to make her love me so I know I have to let go as her actions over the years has shown me she wants nothing to do with me! On a final note if she wasn't my daughter & was just a person on the street, I'd have nothing to do with a person who treats people the way she does. Broken & empty in New Jersey. Thanks for listening Sally! ❤️
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Jenn
8/31/2016 10:17:51 am
Sally.......I am so sorry that you have endured such pain. I can't imagine the anguish you must feel. I have both a daughter and son, so I can only briefly think how hard it must be for you. As far as how to move forward, I can only say this......I know Jersey well (grew up there!), so if there's anything near where you live that you can immerse yourself in, that might help. Check your local craft stores (like Michael's or AC Moore) and take a craft class or something. Join a book club at a library. Perhaps take a gardening or painting class. I know these things might sound trivial, but they will get you out and about, and involved in other things. I love making crafts (I've gotten some great ideas from Pinterest!), so that helps to focus my thoughts and energy onto something else. Good luck to you. I'll be thinking of you.
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My anger has caused me to do things I never thought I was capable of. I am so down on myself I have become depressed and suicidal. I am in extreme danger with my narcissist yet I cannot leave him and stay away. My anger is mostly a manifestation of my pain. He has hurt me on a level I have never felt before. He has done the unspeakable to me. Yet I stay. I can't explain it but I can say this causes me to hate myself more and perpetuates the anger. I am angry mostly because I didn't know he was what he was, that it was all a front, that he is an evil liar. I need help but this is such a crazy situation I fear even an experienced therapist would not understand.
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Jenn
9/5/2016 10:19:15 am
Jackie.......First and foremost, if you are feeling suicidal, please please seek help. That is beyond my scope of support. Many areas have crisis centers that you can go to. Or call the hotline at 1-800-273-8255. I've lost several people I know to it (one good friend as recently as this past April) and I can't stress enough how important it is to seek help.
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UareSpecial
4/13/2017 05:08:23 pm
It could be white hot anger which is quite normal considering what you are going through. At any rate it is often triggered so don't beat yourself up over it. We will all heal - Oh, and Jesus was angry at sin!
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Jenn
4/15/2017 04:46:03 pm
UAreSpecial......Yes, you are correct. It is normal to feel this kind of anger towards the Narcs. What we went through was sheer terror and abuse. It only stands to reason that we be angry at them for killing our innocence.
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Emrldisle94
4/17/2017 01:13:33 pm
What do you do when the narcissist turns on you and tries to make you look and feel like the abuser? Mine says stuff like "well, you are abusing me now by continuing to bring stuff up, it is emotional abuse- don't you realize you're an abuser?"
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UareSpecial
4/17/2017 01:43:58 pm
If you chose to stay with your abuser, did he get counseling? It's for his problem. The current practice is the men are using reverse psychology and blaming their problem on your objections and conditioned reactions. Don't go to counseling with him or they will make his abuse a "couple" problem. Have you clearly stated your boundaries that he is not to cross which would include what he used to trigger you by? I went back but he thought boundaries were a joke and it got worse. We divorced a couple years later. If he doesn't take immediate action to change, you need to save yourself and if children, get out.
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Jenn
5/7/2017 02:13:33 pm
UareSpecial.......The thing is, Narcissists cannot ever change. Going to counseling with them is a bad idea. They will manipulate and triangulate the therapist into siding with them. You see, Narcs and other toxic individuals don't feel they are ever in the wrong. To admit they need to change is to admit responsibility. They just cannot have that. They can't let that guard down. They must always keep up the facade that they are perfect.
Jenn
5/7/2017 02:10:48 pm
Emrldisle.........Sadly, they use projection as a defense. They turn everything around onto us that they themselves say or do. It's their way. I know how you feel when they say stuff like that. My NX has said things like "Well, you've abused me too you know. And you're abusing the kids." Oh yeah.....he brought my children into it. That's a Narc's way, too. They like to continue to throw our mistakes at us by continually bringing up our past, including our past transgressions. They think we have no right to be angry with them. But we absolutely do have that right. Hang in there.
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Pamela S Arrants
1/22/2018 11:38:16 am
i will never get over my anger i found out my whole fam 1 bro 2 sis and mother has always hated me i would not conform to their wishes or be controled. 2 yrs ago my mother and sisters told me they are glad im terminal. my mother was so cruel to me and the other kids just shined. i was even raped several times by an older brother who has been dead 40 yrs. when i told my mother she said it was my fault and how could i put a black spot on her heart. i will be angry until i die the hurt went so deep my heart is broken
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Christine
1/23/2018 12:01:26 am
I struggle with anger with my ex N. I have tried and tried to rid myself of my anger and hurt. I agree it is from the shame I experienced with his lying of cheating on me and how he drove me to a frantic paranoid to follow my intuition. Plus how he convinced other around us that all I did was bitch at him, only he "forgot" the part that all I complained to him about his cheating.. where upon, I am still viewed as a psycho. I am angry that people never asked him, why I bitched at him and even after I found him with his bimbo, and finally divorced him, these same people still look down their nose at me. I went to a very dark place in my life for quite a while and yet, the light at the end of this tunnel has not been fully arrived at. It seems as if the Universe sends me reminders of him in small ways at least 3-4 times a week. All these triggers just revive up the anger.
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I have read all of this and I understand! I feel like I will never get over what this human being did to me and the children! Their adults and he has a great relationship with them now and I'm the sick bitch crazy.. And that's another thing that I can't stand to think that those adults saw and heard this human lie and make his own stories and always blame me! He was a drunk coked up fat Kno neck the ugliest thing... and people think he's a great person and I can't stand when I and this ungrateful children are all up his ass because he's got money. Well I was part of that helping him to make it.but I sign everything over to him because there's Kno talking to a narc i was scared and stupid ! I will die with this anger and hate..I didn't see the picture until the great father now took me to a dr because i needed a head dr and she told me what he was . And he thought he was going in with me. Omg. Wanted to kill the dr because was in the waiting room. I see him laughing at me with ur children and now I understand why some women kill it .. it's to much to watch them laugh. God help me because I wanted to put a knife in and out over and over again.. And imI not that kind of person .. he's taking away everything I love I'm alone.and I can't see the light at my end....
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UareSpecial
7/28/2018 06:55:32 pm
Leticia, I was just emailed your comment from a couple weeks ago. I'm sorry for what you are going through. These men know what they do and have much support. It's ok to be angry, divorce and move on. Tell your attorney he is abusive and ask for full custody of the children so they can heal with you. I wish I did because abusers can win the kids over. It's a game. Only after he has extensive counseling and if he admits it was his problem to the kids and they feel safe with him consider the kids visiting with him. It will get better when your rid of his drama. God bless -
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