Gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of emotional abuse there is. Why? Because it is the Narcissist abuser's desire to drive you crazy. But why is it so dangerous? The term "gaslight" came from the 1944 movie starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman, which was based on the 1938 stage play of the same name. Boyer's character would purposely dim the gas lights in the home and then pretend not to know about it when Bergman's character asked about it. The main purpose is to make the victims feel like they are losing their mind. So how would that apply to you? Read on.
The best example of gaslighting that I can provide is this:
The victim is looking for her keys, even tears up couch cushions and looks at least 5 times, dumps the contents of her purse and looks not once but half a dozen times, looks in kitchen drawers.....you name it. The abuser then says, "Oh there they are," pointing to them right on top of an overturned couch cushion. The victim protests saying she looked there several times. He says, "Well you obviously didn't look hard enough." That, my friends, is gaslighting. I know, because this exact incident happened to me.
Narcissists want to make their victims doubt their own mind, their own sanity. They want to drive you crazy, so that they can say, "Haha, see? I told you that you were crazy." The Narc emotional abusers simply denies their victim the confirmation of their reality. They doubt the very existence of their surroundings. The victim must then think the abuser knows better and has superior knowledge and intellect. So, the victims will then defer to the Narc on all decisions because they can't trust their own perceptions or decision making skills.
My NX would pull stunts like that all the time. Before long, he'd say how I'm crazy or I'm losing my mind, or even how forgetful I was. And the sad part? After a while, I really thought I was losing my mind! I became utterly dependent upon my NX to tell me what was real and what wasn't. That's exactly what he wanted, too. Because then, he could pick and choose what to tell me and thereby creating his own reality. He could claim that the abuse never happened. Or, if he did admit it happened, he'd skew the truth to suit his own needs and blame me for the abuse. I feel that this is one of the most detrimental forms of emotional abuse there is. Why? Because as a society, we cling to what we feel and know to be true, to be real. When that reality or trueness is pampered with, our whole world becomes a nightmarish place to live in. I couldn't remember the simplest of things, like food shopping items, or something someone said to me only a few days before. My mind became blank, like a sheet of paper. I felt like my reality was being erased, much in the same way that Marty McFly was becoming "erased" in Back to the Future before his parents kissed to seal the deal. Have you experienced gaslighting in your relationship? Share below. And as always, I appreciate you sharing your stories with me.
16 Comments
Jill
5/11/2016 11:00:47 pm
Oh this is so true my NX did not so much gaslight but would not help me at all and then say things like your just shit at it. In the end he plainly told me I was crazy and needed help!! After 16 months now past since I left I still find myself doubting or thinking when someone makes a remark it must be true. It's taking a lot of therapy to get me back to being me 😞
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Jenn
5/12/2016 05:57:46 am
Jill, I'm so sorry you went through that. I can honestly say I know how you feel. With time, you'll begin to come out of that trance. Keep going to therapy and you'll get there. I'll be posting on EMDR soon, which has helped me. Hang in there.
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Jess
7/11/2016 09:32:00 pm
I can relate so strongly, especially the blankness. but I can't seem to pull from my head the specific incidents of gas lighting. How can I observe it happening and remember?
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Jenn
7/11/2016 09:47:40 pm
Jess.....That's a very good question! Quite honestly, I didn't remember as each gaslighting incident was occurring. I only realized afterwards that something wasn't quite right. I think the more you can learn about gaslighting and Narcissists, the easier it'll get to spot what's happening. Only after I was discarded and I was away from him, did I realize what I went through. It shocked my system to learn that someone could do that to another person. Thanks Jess, for your comment. I'll be thinking about you.
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Angie
3/29/2017 11:13:45 am
I lived this way for years. Keep a journal and write down everything so you can maintain reality. Dates, times, and events helped me to know he was lying. You can not convince them that they are lying, but you can keep your mind in tact. I kept my journal in the trunk of my car because if he had found it, he would have destroyed it.
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Jenn
3/29/2017 07:04:03 pm
Angie........A very good suggestion. Yes, keep a journal to write down what you know to be real. It's something I suggested in my blog post, How to Heal from Gaslighting. I wholeheartedly agree that keeping a journal can be very helpful. Thanks for letting my readers know! :)
Steve
7/20/2016 05:38:27 pm
One of the last texts I received from my ex was in response to my question, "You never answered me. Do you no longer want a physical relay?" Her reply is a constant reminder of what she is.
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Jenn
7/20/2016 07:22:21 pm
Steve.....Yup, your ex's response is very typical of a Narc's gaslighting technique. I wondered the same thing if there was a book on the subject! LOL. But yeah....it's like they all learn it from somewhere. My ex seemed to have learned the behavior from his Narc mother. It can run in families, it can be taught by others. I've even read that it's innate in that Narc, not learned from anywhere really.;..that they are just born with the characteristics of entitlement and a grandness sense of self.
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Erin
9/4/2016 06:13:32 pm
Perfect example: I broke up with my boyfriend after having to call the police on him for angrily forcing his way into my apartment and refusing to leave. The next day he told me his therapist said I antagonized him to that point (no therapist would say that). He also said he called and spoke with the officer that handled my call and she told him I couldn't press charges because he did nothing wrong. This didn't sit right with me so I contacted the officer myself and she confirmed what I was feeling in my gut: she had never spoken to him and he had never called her. I confronted him the next day about the lie and he said I must have misunderstood because he never said he spoke to the officer. When I wouldn't buy into that he changed the story saying "maybe I said I spoke to my police officer friend but I never said I spoke to the police officer that handeled your call". When I still didn't buy into that he immediately said that I was out of touch with reality and need help and I was making up reasons to escalate this situation. He said I needed help and he can't believe how long he's let this go on. That's when I broke contact. I told him to not text me again and I would not allow him to gaslight or manipulate me.
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Jenn
9/4/2016 06:26:33 pm
Erin.......Yes, what he was doing was absolutely gaslighting you. That example I spoke of in the post happened to me. And I KNEW I had looked on the couch several times for my keys. The more Narcissists gaslight their targets, the more they feel like they really are losing touch with reality. I really thought I was going crazy. Hang in there. Hope you are doing well now. Take care.
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He would insist that I had done something very risqué that could have gotten us both arrested. He insisted that I walked a hotel hallway completely bare ass naked to get a bucket of ice. I was adamant that there was no way I'd done that. It would have been totally out of character for me... Even after a night of drinking. He did things like that, even involving a mutual friend to back his story. Lucky for me he didn't have the poker face my NX did.... It escalated until it became physical abuse and then DISMISSAL W new supply in the ready... 18 years.
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Elin
8/6/2017 07:15:31 pm
My N (not Ex) gaslighted me during the initial Devaluation stage many months ago and i had never even heard of the term, until a close friend said, "OMG, he's gaalighting you'l In a wierd way,if it weren't for the gaalightng, I would not be where I am today. It WOKE me up! I was at my lowest point during the Spring months, but the nail on the head was my best friend driving me to the ER after my doc said I was in "an altered mental state". I WAS DONE with this nonsense. I studied the 3 stages he was putting me thru over and over again, and since then he's not been allowed back in my house. He chooses to live in another state to work, which is why he can monitor my moves via tracking devices. After 5 years of this, It's a process, and I'm slowly gaining back control of my life. My DBT training and therapist both are helping me to deal with the PTSD. Thank you for this Blog, you are single-handedly helping in ways you might've never imagined! God Bless all of you on your own personal journeys!
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Teresa
7/18/2018 10:33:25 am
Hello,
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A Fellow Survivor
8/18/2018 12:48:56 am
Teresa, LEAVE if you can. If you can't, you need to get very smart, very fast to the narcs games. It's hard, and even if you become extremely savvy, it's exhausting and there is no peace. Therapy helps, and friends, and blogs like this. Know you are NOT alone. There are many of us just like you who struggle with this.
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Kaylee
10/17/2018 12:53:45 am
I’m just blown away right now. I’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist for 5 years. We have a 2 year old son and I am so stuck. I just started learning about NPD, and just today learned about gaslighting. I went to the doctor about 2 months ago thinking I was going to be diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s or a brain tumor because I literally couldn’t remember the simplest of things. I was losing things constantly. I just felt like I was losing my mind. I can’t believe how unenducated I am about something I’m living! I’m so lost right now. I feel like I will be stuck forever. How does one co parent with someone like this? He has access to my email. I don’t know how I’ll get a reply without him seeing it. I need help from someone who has been through this.
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Alessondra
10/20/2019 11:22:42 am
I was with the NX for 18 years. And my keys would disappear on a daily basis. Only to turn up in a place I had already searched. I thought I was just so forgetful or a black hole had developed in my house. Stuff would randomly disappear only to reappear somewhere else. I trully though I was developing early on set dementia. I couldnt trust my own mind or actions and People could be speaking to me and I wouldn't hear a thing they said, I was so preoccupied with trying to do all that needed to be done to keep him happy.
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